Falter
by karkatspanties
Summary: I always tried to tell him, really I did, but the look in his eye after I said his name always caused me to pause, hesitate, and then falter.
1. Part 1

**Title: **Falter

**Rating:** PG-13 (Teen)

**Pairings: **HikaKao, (one-sided) HikaHaru, (one-sided) HaruTama, (implied-majorly) KyouTama

**Notes:**

**_Hikaru's thoughts_**

**Kaoru's thoughts**

I believe that some twin share thoughts, for I've known twins who could do this, on the other hand I also know that some twins don't. But I decided to gave the twins the ability to hear one another's thoughts because it does kind of appear that way in the manga anyway.

I also believe that Tamaki is gay… Why? I really don't understand why, but… It got in my head and now its stuck. That's why HaruTama is one sided…

**Falter**

_Part 1_

One step.

Two steps.

Then three.

My feet began to carry me to my destiny. Or my demise. It all depended on what happened, I guess.

I stood a few feet from the door knowing that he was waiting on the other side. I'd sent him ahead of me telling him I needed to go to the bathroom, he insisted on coming with me, but I told him I could go to the bathroom by myself. I walked slowly thinking about all that had happened. Really it wasn't much of a change.

See I've always loved my brother, way more then I should, but I never understood the extent of that love until my crush on Haruhi put it into perception. Somewhere my wires got all crossed and before I really understood I was in love with my brother.

Oh and lets make it even more taboo, he's my twin.

I've read about things like this, and really thought that the best thing to do is hold it in – which I can't do anymore – because it's just easier that way. I didn't want him to hate me, or be disgusted by me.

I paused, looked out the window to the graying sky. A feeling of dread churned in my stomach. Could I really do this?

One step.

Two steps.

Then three.

I opened the door, hesitated, and faltered. Even if he had been alone, like I thought he would be, if he had had that look I wouldn't have been able to do it.

I hesitated to long.

He sat in the window headphones on, casting longing glances at _her_. But she was to busy staring at Tamaki to notice, Tamaki was sitting close to Kyouya studying. They were sitting too close really. I wonder when that happened.

No hosting tonight, Huni-Sempai and Mori-Sempai had tests this week, Kyouya-Sempai and Tono next week, and the rest of us the week after. Three weeks of club cancellations just because they _couldn't_ test us all at once. And by _couldn't_ I mean they just wanted us to suffer longer…

I sat next to him in the window he leaned against me, seeking me out. I smiled softly at him he looked up at me. **_Do we have to stay?_** **No…** I catch Kyouya's glaze from across the room, he nods. Tamaki looks up and stares at me, then his eyes slide to Hikaru. He knows a lot more then he lets on. How much? I'm not sure myself, but he knows more then he'll ever say.

I place my hand on Hikaru's arm **Lets go…** He jumps as if I said this aloud, even though he obviously can't hear me because I can hear the music he's listening to. Something passes before my eyes, something I don't entirely catch. Its what ever Hikaru's thinking about. I have to say I'm curious, but if its about Haruhi…

I don't want to know.

**_'kay… _**We stood simultaneously and walked across the room to the door. Nobody said anything, but the other three occupants in the room watched us, Hikaru watched the floor, I watched him out of the corner of my eye.

We say nothing in the car, but he finally turns off his iPOD and takes his head phones off. The whole car ride is spent in silence. I go to tell him a couple of times, but like every time before I pause, hesitate, and falter.

He climbs out of the car first and pauses there. "Just this last day, Kaoru, just this last day."

I'm confused but I don't get to question him about it, and the vibe he puts off tells me to leave him alone for now. So I do, I spend the whole evening alone, eat dinner alone, do my homework alone, even play video games alone. I've never felt so alone.

Its 12:01 when he comes in with a smile on his face and pounces on me. I was laying on our bed staring at the wall. I'd never been so bored and lonely in my entire life. I don't think I've ever even been completely alone that long. I'm so lost in the nothingness I don't sense him, so when he lands on me I scream.

He's laughing so hard he's crying –**_ I wish I could have caught that on video_** – and I just glare at him. Hard. "That wasn't funny."

"I thought you sensed me, sorry."

"I was dying of boredom, I don't think I would have realized if I had stopped breathing." He starts laughing again. I wait until he's done, pushing away the thoughts of **do it now** and covering them before Hikaru has a chance to read them. "We should have our room re-done."

"What were you thinking?"

I reach out and touch him running my fingers through his hair, letting the designs flow from my head to his.

"Kind of vampire-Goth, but I like it… What do you need to do now?"

I froze, apparently he sense my panic because he was giving me a strange. I force the smile to my lips. "Go to sleep. We have school tomorrow."

If he doesn't believe me it doesn't show, he just smiles up at me. "Fiiine…" He draws out. He hugs me and more things flash before my eyes. Soft moans, pale skin against pale skin. Something in my stomach turns.

I ignore it. **Good night. **He laughs and settles on his side of our bed, **_Good night, little brother._ **The room goes dark. He's curled up already well on his way to sleep, I however curled up with my back against our head bored feeling sick and wide-awake, wondering, but not really wanting to know what had flashed in front of my eyes moments before.

Hikaru's thoughts…

Who was he thinking about?

It kept me up all night.

The morning came with incredible speed, and I watched the sun rise through the windows. Hikaru stirred next me, blinking large amber eyes up at me. **_How'd you sleep?_** He stretched before he stands, I just watch his movements in mild interest. **I didn't…**

He pauses in his movements and spins around quickly to look at me. I've always had a slight problem with insomnia and it's always worried him. "Do you want to stay home then?"

I shake my head. "I'll be fine since we don't have host club." **Really I will. I'll take a nap when I get home.** I follow his motions stretching before standing. **All we're doing is reviewing anyway.**

**_Which is why we can just stay home._** I look at him, knowing that he's determined to keep me home. I could be selfish and say yes or I could send him on to school with out me…

"That's not selfishness. I've been ignoring you lately." He looks away guilty.

I blink, he heard that? Oh well... "Fine." I plop down on the bed and close my eyes and before I know it I'm fast asleep.

I expect to wake up alone, but he there beside me fingers interlaced with mine.

******

One step.

Two steps.

Three steps.

I say his name, he looks up at me. I pause, hesitate, and I falter. My mouth closes with a weird sound and he's just staring at me. **_What's wrong Kaoru?_**

Loud moans, panting, quick movements, breathlessness, skin against skin. Hikaru's voice… _"I love you…"_ Louder moan.

I don't say anything. Breathing is becoming difficult… Why? I'm choking on the air, I just can't seem to get enough. Why is this happening?? Because of what I saw? Are they my thoughts? No… Hikaru's… but who…

The floor is coming up to greet me. **Hello, floor…**

**_"KAORU!!"_**

The sound is over whelming and the world fades black.

When I open my eyes I'm in a white room, Kyouya is sitting in the chair next to me. **Huh? Where's Hikaru?**

"Do you know why you're here?" Always right to the point. I don't really trust myself to speak yet, so I shake my head. "You had a panic attack in the middle of school and you hyperventilated." I stare at him trying to keep my expression neutral.

He doesn't ask me why, which tells me he already knows why, just sits there and watches me. I turn my head away from him and stare directly ahead of me. "I've tried… but every time I go to say something I falter…"

I hear him stand with the rustle of fabric. "Then maybe its not about telling him. Maybe you should show him." He's at the door when I turn and look at him. "You'll be here until the morning. Hikaru should be back soon, he ran to get you something to eat."

"Thanks."

The door opens and closes and I'm left with my thoughts. Show… Hikaru? But what to show him first?

I don't get much time to dwell on this as the door flies open slamming into the wall and my brother is across the room fallowed by a slightly harassed looking Tamaki and even more harassed looking nurse.

"KAORU!" **_I was so worried._**

"No need to yell…" **I'm fine.**

He took one step.

Two steps.

Three steps.

And he faltered. Standing right beside my bed, opening his mouth… he faltered like I'd been doing for the past three weeks.

"Here's your food." Tamaki says softly setting the plastic bag in the chair Kyouya had just occupied. "I'll come cheek on you tomorrow." He ruffles my hair affectionately telling me a lot of things with out opening his mouth.

It gives me courage.

I stay quiet while the nurse cheeks on me and Hikaru gets my food ready. When she leaves, I say his name softly.

**_What?_**

**Come here… **"Closer you idiot!" he smiled at me and came closer to me. I reach out blindly, because I'm not looking at him, and grab his hand.

"Kaoru?" I stare down at my lap and let my thought fill his head. Piles and pile of wet dream, stray day-dreams, wondering thoughts fill his head.

**I'm in love with you…**

I can't look up at him. His hand is no longer in mine. "I… I…" he tries. The silence echoes in my mind. He's pulling away from me.

**_I'm sorry…_**

The door slams shut announcing his departure, but instead of heart broken and sad I feel oddly relieved. I know that's not good. I'm confused also, I'm not sure what just happened. I begin to eat, my hunger winning over my emotions. Soon I feel tears rolling down my face, but I continue to eat. Is this another type of panic attack? Felling happy while crying…

**TBC**

This is different from my usual style. It's going to be at least a two-shot and at the most 4 chapters long…

Well I hope you enjoyed it!

Aya **|[HbP]|**


	2. Part 2

**Title: **Falter

**Rating:** PG-13 (Teen)

**Pairings: **HikaKao, (one-sided) HaruTama, (not-so-much-implied-anymore) KyouTama

And I have two new pairings: (its temporary) KaoNeko, (one-sided) NekoTama

And I will be calling him Nekoe, which I totally stole from TheAngelIsrafel. I just love calling him that.

**Notes:**

_**Hikaru's thoughts**_

**Kaoru's thoughts**

I'm _trying _to make it longer then the first, but I'm sure you guys would rather have a GOOD short story then a long only somewhat good story. But if you want the long only somewhat good story tell me because I'm good at watering things down and making them stretch out obnoxiously long. I'd rather not do that though. I'm a get to the point kind of person.

Last chapter I had trouble keeping it in tense, this time I actually realized that I was switching the tenses back and forth and managed to fix it. ^-^v I do that a lot because its easier to write like that.

**Falter**

_Part II_

In, out.

In, out.

In, out.

Then in again.

Trying to clam my mind, my body, my anything else that may be on the verge of hyperventilating at this moment.

Rejection.

That's what that was. My brother, my twin rejected me.

Not that I blame him, but that doesn't stop my heart from breaking.

I paused out side the doors feeling a horrible sense of deja'-vu. My stomach turned; I couldn't seem to get enough air. The world started to fade.

"Kaoru-Kun?"

The sound stopped my over active mind. I turned and faced the person that said my name. "Nekozawa-Sempai? Why are you here?"

"I've came to return something to Tamaki-Kun." He stared at me for a couple of seconds. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing…"

He raised an eye-brow. "People don't hyperventilate over nothing, so tell me."

I looked down at the ground, not able to look into the eyes that reminded me so much of Tamaki. Maybe not in color, but in essence. "I was rejected."

"Ah…" He turned and looked out the windows at the grey sky. "The burden of love can be hard to bare sometimes." His voice is soft and sad, he knew exactly how I was feeling. "But we keep coming back for more punishment." He turned and looked at me now, and I was hypnotized by the way he was looking at me. "And do you know why Kaoru-Kun?"

All I could do is shake my head, and he smiled. "Because humans are masochists and sadists. We spend all our time suffering, and if we're not suffering we make someone else suffer."

"I'm not sure I understand."

His smile is sad, "It's simple. Humans want to suffer or they feel like they're not accomplishing anything, and when they aren't suffering anymore they get bored and make others suffer. Oddly most people would rather suffer themselves then make someone else suffer."

"But what does that have to do with rejection? Or even love?"

He laughed, not his normal creepy-make-every-one-in-the-room-want-to-hide-under-their-beds laugh, it was soft and musical. "The easiest and fastest way to cause and go through suffering is to give someone your heart and break it."

I stare, "But wha~!"

He placed a finger against my lips. "Don't worry so much about Hikaru-Kun rejecting you. He'll either come around or someone else will come along and pick up the pieces of your heat."

"How did you know?" He just raised his eyebrow again. "Err… right. Thanks Nekozawa-Sempai. But I have a question."

"What?"

_**Where are you?**_

I blink. **Talking to Nekozawa. Why? **"Who broke your heart?"

_**We're waiting for you. **_**I'll be there in a second!**

"Ahh… Well I didn't really have my heart broken exactly. More like someone beat me there."

"That doesn't answer my~" The door swung open and Hikaru stood there looking angry. 

"What are you talking about that's so important that you're late for a meeting?"

**GO AWAY! THIS IS IMPORTANT! **I glare as best as I can, tears burning my eyes.

"GO AWAY?!"

"YES GO AWAY!"

"Maybe I will!"

"Good! Then I won't have to deal with you ANYMORE!" We just glared at each other. Nekozawa laughed, hard, doubling over drawing Hikaru's glare to him and my flabbergasted expression.

"You two are just too funny."

"How was that funny?" Hikaru asked still glaring chanting: _**Implode, implode, implode. **_like a mantra in his head.

Nekozawa just breathed out. "Here," he hands me a book, "give this to Tamaki-Kun for me please?" I nodded and he disappeared on the spot.

Hikaru returned his glare to me. "What was that all about?" He demanded.

I walked past him and into the club room. _**Kaoru?**_ I handed Tamaki the book, "Nekozawa asked me to give this back to you."

"Ahh! Thank you Kaoru-Kun." His cheeks turn a pleasant pink and Kyouya glares at him. I blink confused, but don't question it.

*****

In, out.

In, out.

In, out.

Then in again.

"Kaoru-Kun? Are you hyperventilating again?"

"**NO!"** I said spinning around quickly. _**No what?**_ I ignored Hikaru and glared at Nekozawa as he smiled at me.

"We've got to stop meeting like this Kaoru-Kun." He smiling sweetly, and I notice he's not wearing his wig.

"You're right. We meet like this too often…" **Am I flirting with him?** _**With WHO? Kaoru I know you can hear me!**_

I continued to ignore him and Nekozawa raised an eyebrow, still smiling. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Tamaki asked me to bring this to you. He said I looked like I could use some fresh air."

He took the book from my hand and looked at it. "Ahh…" he mutter something in another language and a sad look crossed his face, "Thank you Kaoru-Kun."

"Can you red it?"

"Read what?"

"The book."

"Why would I ask for I book I couldn't read?"

"But it's in French."

"And I can speak, read, and write French."

"What was the language you were just speaking?"

"My mothers tongue." He said with a smile looking closely as me, "Russian."

"Do you speak any other languages, Nekozawa-Sempai?" I'm in awe already. **He's pretty and smart** which makes me wonder why he's not the top of his year.

"English, Latin, and a little Greek… Kaoru-Kun that's unattractive."

"Huh?"

"Your gaping at him like a fish!" I froze. I knew ignoring Hikaru would catch up with me eventually. "Com'on Kaoru, Tono expected you back already."

I glared at him before turning back to Nekozawa, "The only other language I know is English." I was pouting, and I knew it.

Nekozawa just messed up my hair with a good natured laugh, ignoring, once again, Hikaru's death wishes. "Maybe I can teach you some time. Poka my ne vstretimsya."* And vanished on the spot.

"Why do I keep catching you with him?"

I glared at Hikaru, "Because I keep running into him! Besides Tamaki _asked _me to bring him something! What's your problem Hikaru?"

"I should be asking you that! Why have you been acting so weird?!"

"How do you expect me to act after you broke my heart?" Anger leaves him, replaced with different emotions that I don't care to read. "Tell them I'm sorry, but I'm going home. Bye, Hikaru."

"Kaoru! Wait!" He yelled after me, but he never came for me.

I really wanted him too though.

**TBC**

*Poka my ne vstretimsya. or Пока мы не встретимся. Google told me is Russian for "Until we meet again." Whether that's true or not I don't know, but that's what google told me, if its wrong tell me and I'll fix it.

I think this will be longer then I thought. And sorry it took me so long to up-date. I was being boy-emo. what me and my friend call being emo over or because of boys] Also I got Paint Tool Sai and I've been coloring like a mad woman… I'm waiting to get a tablet to start drawing though.


	3. Part 3

**Title: **Falter

**Rating:** PG-13 (Teen)

**Pairings: **(for this chapter) KaoNeko, (one-sided) NekoTama

Sorry it took me so long to update. You would think it'd go faster with how short the chapters are, but I've been putting this chapter off for a while.

Because I love Nekoe so much…

About halfway through this I got distracted by a song called leather pants. Mad props to anybody who knows what I'm talking about. And I'll take a request from the first person who guesses the artist first… And not you Rae! I know you know and I already owe you things.

I will be calling him Nekoe, which I totally stole from TheAngelIsrafel. I just love calling him that.

**Notes:**

_**Hikaru's thoughts**_

**Kaoru's thoughts**

**Falter**

_Part III_

A café was the last place I'd expect to run into him, but there he was, dressed in normal street clothes sitting at a table in the back. No wig, cloak, or Belezknoff puppet to be seen. I walked away from Hikaru, who was probably talking to me, to his table.

"Nekozawa-Sempai?"

He looked up at me with his blue eyes. He seemed just as shocked to see me as I was to see him. "Kaoru-Kun?"

Somewhere I hear Hikaru growl and the bell chime. "I'm really surprised to see you here like this…"

He laughed, "Well I'm surprised anybody noticed me."

"But your so pretty…" This is out of my mouth before I can stop it. I turn scarlet and so does he. "Seems my brother left me. Can I join you? At least until he decides to come back."

"Of course you can." He smiles and takes a drink of… what ever it is he's drinking and looks back at me. "You know you two shouldn't be fighting over something like love."

I sit down across from him and stare at the table. "I know, but he expects me to be fine and act normal, but I'm not fine and I can't act normal. Acting normal is what me into this problem in the first place."

He smiled at me softly, "You know Kaoru-Kun, you're brother's paying you a lot more attention then you think. The more you ignore him the more he tries to get your attention."

"I don't understand."

"It seems there's lots of thing you don't understand."

"Tell me about it."

He takes another drink.

"Was it Tamaki-Sempai who broke your heart?"

He chocked and spit his coffee everywhere earning us several glares. He coughed while cleaning up the mess he'd made. "You shouldn't say shocking things while people are drinking things. It could cause them to die."

"Was it?" He looked up at me with those eyes and I knew the answer. "He seems to like you though. Every time I say your name he turns red."

Nekozawa's looked at me with a jaded smile. "And what does Kyouya-San do?"

I paused and thought about it. "He glares, like he's angry about something, or looks really happy."

"And do you know why, Kaoru-Kun?"

"… No."

"I told you before that I hadn't been rejected, correct?" I nodded. "I told you someone had gotten there before me, correct?" I nodded again, but he doesn't say anymore, just waits for me to put two and two together.

"So… Kyouya and Tamaki…?"

He nods before looking out the window behind me. "Your brother is waiting for you. You should go to him."

"But I'd rather be here with you…" I turn red, but he doesn't this time.

"That's sweet, but avoiding him won't make this any better."

"I know…"

"Then go."

"Okay, good-bye Nekozawa-Sempai."

There's a far away look in his eye and I know that he's feeling really hurt. "Good bye, Kaoru-Kun."

Line-break-should-go-here-but-its-being-gay-and-disappearing-on-me!

"So… what did you talk about with Nekozawa?"

"Love…" I answered absent mindedly flipping through a magazine

"L-love?" The stutter caused me to look up. He looked shocked, I don't know what's been up with him lately. "What about it?"

"Why does it matter?"

_**Are you dating him? **_He doesn't mean to let me hear this thought. "Because it does."

I just stared at him. "No he and I aren't dating," he turns scarlet out of shame, "not that its any of _your _business."

"It is to my business!"

"How?!"

"Because you're my brother and--!"

I balled up the magazine and throw it at him. "Don't give me that bull shit!"

The magazine hit him in the chest. "How is that bull shit?" He's glaring at me, that look never leaves his face anymore.

"You didn't care who I dated when you were going after Haruhi, you didn't care how I felt how I'd feel when you died your hair, you didn't care how I would… You know what never mind!" I pulled a book out of my bed side table and went back to ignoring him.

"When did you become such a girl?"

I flung the book at him as hard as I could and stormed out of the room. **YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE!**

Line-break-should-go-here-but-its-being-gay-and-disappearing-on-me!

When I want to find him he's nowhere, but when it doesn't matter either way he's everywhere. I sigh and sunk to the floor between the book shelves of the third library. I felt exhausted. **Where is he?**

"You looking for me?"

I jumped, hitting the shelf behind me causing a book to fall, but he caught it before it hit me.

"We really meet in strange ways, Kaoru-Kun." I just stared up at him, like I had never seen him before. "Kaoru-Kun?"

I shook my head and looked at the ground. "How did you know I was looking for you." I could see him moving out of the corner of my eye.

He sat down next to me between the shelves, "I could hear you calling for me."

"Hear me calling for you?"

"Yeah…" He said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You still haven't realized it have you, Kaoru-Kun?"

"Realized what?"

"I can hear most of your thought… Like right now you'd really like some chocolate cake, or some tacos… Which aren't even in the same category Kaoru-Kun."

I just stared at him and turned scarlet, and he looked offended. "I am not a creeper!"

I just laughed as everything caught up, "So you can hear us fighting during school?"

He beams at me, "Yep, just like you were actually in my class yelling at each other."

"Is that how you knew about Tamaki and Kyouya?"

"Yes."

"And Hikaru?"

"Yes."

"And what I use to think of Tamaki?"

He turned slightly pink, "Yes."

I stared at him. "What about what I think about you?"

He turned red, but said nothing. We sat there in silence.

That had been my answer. And it had came through loud and clear.

He knew.

I was too shocked to be embarrassed.

_**TBC**_

Oh~! And yumi-chan-likes-chainsaws… Nekoe makes everything better! **EVERYTHING**!!! **ALWAYS**!!!! He is the master of pwn!!! xD

My sister is talking, loudly, in her sleep.

Oh and there will be more PWNAGE by Nekoe next chapter…


	4. Part 4

**Title: **Falter

**Rating:** PG-13 (Teen)

**Pairings: **(for this chapter) KaoNeko, (one-sided) NekoTama, TamaKyo

I really have nothing to say…

Everybody failed in guessing the song.

OH! I caught up on the Ouran manga. Who else (besides Rae) hated the way the last chapter ended? Who loved twins grandmother?

I know I did.

Nekoe looks weird with out his cloak.

By the way this a short chapter… but its just s filler chapter. After this the chapters should get longer.

**Notes:**

_**Hikaru's thoughts**_

**Kaoru's thoughts**

**Falter**

_Part IV_

Once again silence had fallen upon us, it was awkward and entirely my fault. I seemed to have developed diarrhea of the mouth, and frankly its really annoying.

Finally he just laughed. "Kaoru-Kun, don't worry about it so much. Honestly I'm not that easy to offend. Just calm down."

A date with Nekozawa maybe wasn't the best idea because I couldn't seem to get my mouth to stop spewing whatever came to my mind. No matter how embarrassing it was. "I'm sorry Nekozawa-Sempai. My mouth doesn't seem to be connected to my brain today…"

He laughed, "So I've noticed."

I blushed and turned back to my milkshake. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't apologize, Kaoru-Kun."

"I'm making a fool out of myself…"

"You're just overly excited. Calm down, enjoy yourself."

I looked up at him and wondered why he wasn't in the Host Club. He'd do such a good job.

"Because I wasn't invited, and I don't like to be fawned over. I rather enjoy being invisible."

_**When are you coming home?**_

**When I feel like it!**

"Maybe you should just go…" He took another drink and his straw made that obnoxious slurping sound you get when your drink is gone that makes everyone in the area want to smack you. Only he was going out of his way to do it.

"He's not my boss."

"True, but you're not really enjoying yourself either…"

"That's just because I can't stop my mouth…"

_**Kaoru…!**_

"Its his fault…"

Nekozawa turned and looked at me with amusement in his eyes. "Care to explain?"

"Not only is he spying on us, but he wont leave me alone!"

"Spying on us?" The blonde blinked.

"Yeah! He's sitting at that table over there trying to look inconspicuous." I glared over at the table where my brother sat with… Tamaki. Yeah that has to be Tamaki alright.

**What** **do you want?**

_**For you to leave him.**_

**I'm having fun!** I glared down at the table. **But I'd be having more fun if you'd just leave me alone.**

"Maybe we should try again another time?"

"But-!" I met his eyes and sighed in defeat. "You're right." I shot Hikaru a nasty look but only Tamaki noticed and gave me an apologetic smile. "Friday?"

"I'm free unless something comes up." He smiled mischievously, mysteriously his eyes light up. He always seems to know more then he lets on and maybe he does.

He stands up, "Bye, Kaoru…"

Something passed through my mind that instant. "Nekoe! Wait." He faltered giving me enough time to grab his wrist. When I did he turned and looked at me and pulled him down and my lips met his in a soft kiss. It ended as quickly as it started.

He pulled away, his cheeks red, and stared at me for a couple of seconds. "Bye, Kaoru." He said again only softer.

I could here Hikaru yelling and a loud crash, but I ignored it… him. "Friday… 6 days… That's so far from now."

He just laughed and ruffled my hair and walked away. I stared after him.

"KAORU!" Tamaki's arms were wrapped around Hikaru's middle.

"What?" I asked calmly.

"WHAT DO YOU-!"

"Lower your voice right now."

He looked surprised for a second and Tamaki jumped back letting him go. The blonde gave me a sheepish look and left. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

He gestured at the table me and Nekozawa had been sitting like it offended him and I turned and looked at it curiously. It looked the same as we had left it. I turned back to him and stared, "Doing what?"

"Dating Nekozawa, why are you doing it?"

I sighed and smiled at him. "You're causing a scene and making an ass out of yourself, and I find it really amusing." He glared at me. "It's because I like him, Hikaru, and he likes me."

"What about me?" He sounded so broken.

"What about you?"

"I thought you were in love with…"

… _**me?**_

**You…**

"… blew the chance, Hikaru..."

"So… you… know?"

"Yes. I'm sorry…"


	5. Part 5

**Title: **Falter

**Rating: **PG-13 (Teen)

**Pairings: **(for this chapter) KaoNeko, (one-sided) HikaKao

I know I'm like way behind... I'm sorry.

A few things to know before you blow a gasket. I started college... well that's it. Oh I've become obsessed with my tablet so I draw a lot. I'm in love with... someone. xD

Well... I think that's it.

AHH! This chapters from Hikaru's POV. How many of you were expecting that? :3

**Notes:**

_**Hikaru's thoughts**_

**Kaoru's thoughts**

**Falter**

_Part V__t _

_IV_

One step.

Two steps.

Then three.

I drop on my back on to the bed and I stared up at the ceiling, waiting for Kaoru to come home. He'd been gone for ever now and I was staring to get worried. What if something happened to him?

With that thought I'm out of the bed again. Pacing.

One step.

Two steps.

Then three.

I find myself in front of the window staring out. I'm not even sure what caught my attention here, but I stare out it blankly waiting. I didn't so much as flinch until I heard his voice behind me.

"Hikaru?"

I jumped and turned and looked at him. I manage to keep my voice even, but I wanted to do nothing more then yell, "When did you get home?"

He stares at me for a long time before his lips tug up in a soft smile. "A couple minutes ago." He dropped on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. I couldn't help but wonder how he could be so comfortable around me, knowing...

"So how was your date?" I asked just to be polite, he was my brother after all and asking him how his date was would be expected of me.

He laughed slightly, "It was going good until it started to snow."

"Snow?"

"You were staring out the window..." He sat up and looked at me eyebrows knitted together. "Hikaru, are you felling alright."

**I seen this coming...**

One step.

Two steps.

Then three.

I was beside him. "I'm not going crazy."

"I never said that." He said it slowly but cautiously.

"But you were thinking it!"

"No I wasn't!"

"Yes you were!"

"No..."

"I heard you Kaoru, you can't hide it."

He stared up at me his eyes clear and focused, concerned and worried, but not accusing. "Hikaru, I didn't. I would never ever think something like that even if you really had totally flipped your lid."

Part of me screamed that he was lying, that he thought I was crazy, but the other part of me knew he was telling the truth, that he had never and would never think anything like that.

I backed away slowly. "Hikaru?"

One step.

Two steps.

Then three.

I was back at the window, I climbed onto the window seat and stared blankly out at the steadily falling snow which had obviously been falling for a while and probably what drew me to the window the first time.

He didn't say another word to me for hours. "Hikaru, come to bed." And for the first time in a while I actually listened to him.

**TBC**

Well as far as HikaKao fics go this is certainly original. Kaoru is dating (and most possibly in love with) Nekozawa and Hikaru is losing his mind with out Kaoru there to keep him grounded.

The next couple of chapters will be from Hikaru's POV, but I think the last one will be from Kaoru's... I don't know yet.

Aya **|[HbP]|**


	6. Part 6

**Title: **Falter

**Rating: **PG-13 (Teen)

**Pairings: **(for this chapter) KaoNeko, (one-sided) HikaKao

I have nothing of importance to say. Enjoy?

**Notes:**

_**Hikaru's thoughts**_

**Kaoru's thoughts**

_The voice Hikaru hears_

**Falter**

_Part VI_

In, out.

In, out.

In, out.

Then in again.

Trying to clam my mind, my body, my anything else that may be on the verge of spinning out into a rage at this moment.

Rejection.

And I wasn't taking it too well, but then again who does?

Is this what I did to Kaoru? Is this how I made him feel? Like the world was crashing down on him? Like his world was ending? And I had thought he should be mad, but I was wrong, he wasn't mad he was upset, heartbroken.

And so am I.

Only I'm spinning out of control. The worst part is that I know it.

I stood from my chair as the bell rang to dismiss us from class for the last time that day. On to the Host Club room I go, alone. Kaoru already dashed off to talk to _him_ before club activities and I just don't want to be around Haruhi.

I blame her for everything. If it wasn't for her none of this would have happened.

_**Not that I really want to go back to that though…**_

**Back to what?**

I don't bother replying though. I just pull up all the strength I have and find that I have more than my tattered mind thought I did .

In, out.

In, out.

In, out.

Then in again.

I pull on my mask, not just for the other Host Club members, not just for our patrons, but for him. He's more than a little worried about me, and while he thinks I'm far from insane – which I'm starting to see he's wrong – he is starting to fear for my mental health.

I'm beginning to wonder who else can see it as well.

Kyouya can for sure. He's always the first one to notice things, and I bet he's talked about it with Tamaki, wonder what they should do with me, so Tono probably knows as well.

_They'll never understand._

I froze. Its not the first time I've hear that voice, but it's the first time it's been so loud. I ignore it and continue on my way. A spot of black catches my eye among the whiteness of the snow. There's a guy standing there talking to someone I can't see, and he's wearing a black suit. Large eyes look up at me and I can see the color from here.

Blue.

Its Nekozawa-Sama(1).

**Hikaru?** His voice was soft sounding, but not hesitant.

_**What?**_

**Are you on your way? We're getting ready to start.**

_**Sorry I lost track of time. I'll be there in less about a minute.**_

**Okay, just hurry. Kyouya's getting pissed.**

He's not avoiding me anymore, which makes me smile.

_But he doesn't love you like you do him._

I ignored it again, tired of it telling me things that I already knew.

_There _will _come a time when you listen to me._

Yeah but until then I'm going to ignore you. It can obviously hear my thoughts and I want nothing more than to shut up. I watched my journey shorten with each step I took, I was drawing closer to the Host Club – a place I really didn't want to be.

Was it me that didn't want to be there or the voice in my head that was telling me I didn't want to be there? It's hard to separate the two anymore. Where I ended and it began, this thing taking over my mind.

And why wouldn't I want to be here surrounded by my friends, people I knew, our patrons, and my brother? These were all people I liked for the most part, so why do I want to run away.

_Because running away is easier. So just do it, run. Nobody can really blame you. And those that do don't know how _this _feels._

_**And that's why I won't run away!**_

**Hikaru are you here yet?**

In, out.

In, out.

In, out.

Then in again.

I need to calm down, my mind is working double time and I can feel myself slipping away. "Hikaru-Kun?"

I spun around to face the voice. "Nekozawa." I stared at him for a long while and he just stared back.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"'kay…" I put my hand on the door. "You shouldn't worry too much. You'll begin to break under the pressure."

I spun around to yell, but he was already gone. What does Kaoru see in him? He's annoying with all his cryptic messages and disappearing. I turned back to the door and take a deep breath and push it open sealing my fate and bringing Kyouya's silent wrath down on me.

"Hikaru, where were you?"

"I ran in-into Nekozawa-_Sempai_ in the hall and he asked me a couple of questions…" I looked up and Kaoru smiled at me.

"Get changed we're opening in ten minutes."

**Thank you.**

_**What for?**_

**Trying, for me.**

The world fell away. He looked truly happy.

_What right does he have to be happy?_

Every. He has every right to be happy.

_Even if you're not?_

Especially if I'm not.

_How very grown up of you. But how long will that resolve last until you break under the pressure of your own love?_

I just won't break. There's just too much on the line. He _is _my brother, I won't ruin our relationship because I can't control myself.

**Do you need help with the ties?**

_**No I'm doing just fine.**_

I heard a soft giggle as the curtain is opened slightly and Kaoru slips in. "Hold still."

"I don't need your help." I pout slightly.

"Maybe not, but it's easier to have someone else tie them."

"Who picked out these…"

He laughed again, his amber eyes meeting mine. "Who else would make us dress like this other then Tono?"

_**I'm sorry.**_

**For what?**

I looked at him, my determination shinning in my eyes. _**I wasn't there for you when **_**you **_**needed me, and yet I expected you to be there for **_**me**_**. It was wrong of me.**_

Shock filled his face, "You… You're admitting to being wrong?"

I look away from him. "Why do you say it like that?"

He laughed again his hand slipping into mine and we exited the dressing room. "I missed you…" **I was so afraid of losing you.**

_**And who would you be losing me to?**_

**Yourself. You seem so wrapped up in your thoughts that I was so afraid that you'd never find your way out.**

_**I'm not out yet.**_

He looks up his eyes carefully arranged. **What do you mean?**

I smiled at him. "Do you have plans with Nekozawa-Sempai this weeked?"

"No. Why?"

"We should do something."

He pauses to think about it as the patrons come in. He beams up at me and I can't help but think that everyone in the room is staring at us. "I'd really like that."

The collective "Kyaaaaa~!" confirmed my thought.

**TBC**

I'm referring to Nekoe's dad, and not Nekoe himself, but who was he talking to? I don't know and it's not important anyway… Okay I do know, but you won't until later.

Hehe! Next chapter Hikaru's and Kaoru's date. And what does Nekoe want to talk to Hikaru about?


	7. Part 7

**Title: **Falter

**Rating: **PG-13 (Teen)

**Pairings: **(for this chapter) KaoNeko, (one-sided) HikaKao

**Notes: **Anybody want to know anything about me? I mean how many people read this? Anyway if you want to ask me anything (including my opinion on world hunger) I'll be more and happy to answer.

Obviously I have too much free time…

Ah… and a special thinks to SSA Spork-Chan who guilt-tripped me into writing this and helped me come up with the idea.

_**Hikaru's thoughts**_

**Kaoru's thoughts**

_The voice_

**Falter**

_Part VII_

"Are you ready?"

I don't know why he asked, he could see that I was, but I answered anyway.

"This is going to be so much fun."

How is it going to be any different than any other time that we've been to an amusement park, the only difference is that this park is inside so we won't have bare the cold. But he looks so happy and excited that I can't bare to bring him down.

He grabs my hand and drags me out the door. "Come on Hikaru." He seems to be bursting at the seams with happiness and I can't tell what he's more happy about, the fact that we're going to the amusement park, or if it's the fact that I'm coming out of with drawling. _Or at least he thinks._

I try to ignore it, but it's a lot harder to do with Kaoru sitting so close to me. The car ride is short but he's never not touching me in some way, it kept the voice at bay so I didn't mind, and soon he was pulling me out of the car after him, "You're moving slow today." He giggled.

"I'm sorry, I'm still kinda sleepy."

He looks me over, an odd softness in his eyes. "Then let's get some sugar in you." He smiles widely at me and I copy his smile as we give the lady at the entrance our passes and entered the building.

We were greeted by warm air, false sunlight, the mechanical whining of the rides, and the noises that people were making. The smells of food from all over the world filled the air, but it wasn't over whelming.

**So Hikaru, what do you want.**

"Slushy," I say automatically, "and funnel-cake."

He flashes me a shit eating grin and we were off. "This is nice," He says off handedly as we sit outside the funnel-cake booth sharing a large one covered in powder-sugar and strawberries each of us with our own slushes.

"Yeah you almost don't even realize you're not outside."

"That's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?"

"I meant being with you."

"You're almost always with me, even now that you're going out with Nekozawa."

He looked displeased. "We haven't been together like this in months…" He stared down at the empty plate and I'm glad he did because I was opening my mouth to argue when I realized that he was right.

"Yeah." I smiled widely when he looked up. "Let's have some fun!"

_Your being too happy. You have no right to be happy. You're in love with your brother, you know._

How could I not, I think to myself bitterly, if I didn't know then this wouldn't be so bad, we wouldn't be on the edge of falling apart. He started this but I'm just as much to blame.

_Ignoring me isn't going to help._

Its taunting me, but for now my fracturing sanity will have to wait because he's happy to be here and him being happy makes me happy. "What should we do next?" 

"That roller coaster." He points to the tall ride that's behind the row of concessions, "Then maybe the arcade?"

I smile and nod, not having any better ideas.

We're too tired to talk at this point, too tired to even move, but we make the long trip to our room. I don't think that either of us ever hated being rich so much as we did at that moment, everything was so far apart.

Twelve hours at an amusement park can really take it out of you in a way that I didn't think was really possible. But the voice is silent so I'm thankful.

I began stripping of my clothes as we walked down the hall. **What are you doing?**

_**Getting ready for bed.**_

**On the way to bed?**

_**Saves time…**_

He pauses and considers this for a moment before awkwardly stepping out of his shoes and pulling off layers with each step he took. **Stop staring. It's weird.**

_**You never minded before.**_

**It's different now.**

_**You're right.**_ I don't move my eyes from where they were though and I don't think he really cares.

By the time we make it to our room we've stripped down to our boxers, and he's trying to pull off his left sock with little success. We don't even turn on the lights and I crawl straight into bed, and with the success of his sock flying out into the hall he shuts the door and crawls into bed a few seconds behind me.

**Good night Hikaru.**

**Night Kaoru.**

I roll over and curl up, facing away from my brother. He's slightly disappointed but it passes as he falls asleep, but for some reason I just can't join him.

The voice laughs at me _You have a text message._ How does it know? I left my phone here, but knowing I won't be able to sleep until I check for myself, I reach out with slow sleepy movements. I flip the blue device open and sure enough I did.

This caused me to freak out. How did it know? Kaoru stirred in his sleep. "Nekoe…"

I wince, opening the text message.

_Hikaru, I want to meet with you tomorrow. 4 at the café fine?_

_Nekozawa_

I know what café he's talking about, the one he and Kaoru had their date at, the one I forced Tamaki to come with me so we could crash.

_Okay._

I should tell him no because I don't want to have anything to do with him, but I know that it'll make Kaoru happy.

_You could get rid of him…_

No I can't!

_You could…_

They'd know.

_No they wouldn't, you'd just have to be extra careful._

I won't do that to Kaoru. I think firmly, letting the voice know that there's no way in hell.

_Suit yourself…_

The voice leaves me in peace, but I don't have any peace, I don't derive any peace. And once again I'm drawn into another night with out sleep.

I sit across from him feeling confused. My eyes locked on the table from shame, he hasn't said more than hello to me, but the look in his eyes makes me feel guilty because of the thoughts the voice put in my head.

_He's watching you._

"Hikaru."

I jump and look up, "Y-yes?" I feel out of my element here with him He looks normal enough right now, but I know that he's anything but.

"Are you listening to it?"

"It?"

"The voice?"

"You can hear it."

He nods, "Kaoru can't though."

_He's lying!_

"I'm not. Hikaru, you're not going insane, yet. But if you don't silence it, you will still yet."

"What do you know?"

"A lot more then you think…"

**TBC**

I kept switching tense… Sorry for that, but at least I got another chapter done. Way late… college is keeping me… okay that a lie. I've just been lazy and uninspired.

Next chapter~ What does Nekozawa mean? What's really going on with Hikaru? Find out next time~


	8. Part 8

**Title: **Falter

**Rating: **PG-13 (Teen)

**Pairings: **(for this chapter) KaoNeko, (one-sided) HikaKao

**Notes: **Guys I'm so sorry. Instead of writing like I should have been this summer I've been Homestucking. I'm ashamed, because I wanted to finish this story before I went back to school this fall. Well that's not going to happen because I start next Monday.

Well I suppose it can still happen. Anyway I'm in the car on my way to St, Louis, and I'll be here for 3-4 more hours. YAY!

_**Hikaru's thoughts**_

**Kaoru's thoughts**

_The voice_

_Flash back_

**Falter**

_Part VIII_

"_What do you mean you know more then I think?"_

"_Hikaru, the voice is your subconscious."_

"_What?"_

_The look and Nekozawa's face was hard to explain, he was kind of blank when he talked like ge was reading the information from a text book and not pulling it from his mind._

"_Your subconscious is the part of your mind that holds thoughts you don't know you're thinking. Most of the time your subconscious thoughts don't surface, but yours are and I think I know why."_

I curled further in on myself trying to block out everything – wanting to escape. I had climbed into the window seat and pulled the curtain closed behind me as I listened to music so loud that it blocked out every sound.

Including my own thoughts.

If what Nekozawa said was right I'm cracking and its not normal.

"_This is different. I've never seen anything like this before."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Well, it seems that your subconscious is fracturing into its own personality."_

"_Is that even possible?"_

_He sits there and stares at me, his blue eyes both warm and hard, like he feels bad for me because I'm a person and not because I'm Kaoru's brother. It makes me feel a little better about him._

"_Nekozawa?"_

"_Not that I know of, but weirder things have happened in the world."_

"_But why is this happening to me?"_

"_Because you're not listening to it. It wants you to listen to it."_

"_But its not saying anything."_

"_Not right now."_

"_It's going to start again when I leave here, isn't it?"_

"_You have a lot to think about, so I don't know, but I don't think so."_

I can feel Kaoru standing on the other side of the curtain. He worried. I want to tell him I'm fine, but I'm not sure if that's really true and I don't want to lie.

I shift as he crawls through the parting in the curtain. He curls up between my legs, his head resting on my stomach. His hands reach up and yank off my head phones.

He drops them beside us. "Its going to be alright Hikaru."

Lightning flashes brightly and the thunder rattles the windows. I can't help but think that something's wrong with this situation. Its backwards. I should be the one comforting him.

But here he is, head on my stomach rubbing little circles in front of his face as he repeatedly tells me its okay. He's crying.

And with I little shock I realize I am too.

"_Hikaru, I love Kaoru." I flinch and glare down at the table. "But I know you love him more."_

I look up at him.

"You also need him more than I do. When the time comes that I have to let go of him I will."

_I was shocked and it showed on my face. "What? Why?"_

"_Because he means a lot too me, but I know he'd be happier with you."_

**TBC**

Another short chapter, but I'm tired. I'll try and write another later, but no promises. Who knows how life is going to be this weekend

Next chapter~ Oh my, Neko's so selfless! What's going to happen between Hika and Kao? Find out next time~


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